It is embarrassing to say this, and to do so in such a pubic manner. I am 30 years old, nearly 31, so you would think that by now I would be comfortable with myself. I have been married for nearly 10 years to a man that clearly loves me, with all my flaws. So why can't I just love myself? Why can't I look at myself in the mirror--really look--without cringing? Do other people see someone that I don't see? Is my self-concept so distorted that I can't see the real me? Or is this me?
I look at a lot of pictures, pictures of wedding and portraits and I love to see women--regular woman--who have so much self-confidence and so much "spunk" that comes across in the photos. I think that I have some spunk in here somewhere--in fact, I know that there is a lot of "sass," but how do I get it to come out? How can I really be comfortable letting that out. I want to have that captured in a photo. I want a person to look at a picture of me and think "That woman likes herself and is comfortable with herself. She has personality." But is this is dream? Can I ever be that woman? Can I be her? Or am I just NOT that woman? I want to be the woman that wears bright red shoes and stands tall as she walks into the office. I want to be the woman that runs into the ocean, getting her beautiful dress wet, but not caring. I want to be that women that can look at someone without fear and let the real me come out. But I think that this may be asking too much.
3 comments:
That's not you at all. I think admitting that you are not comfy in your skin is the first step. Next...take baby steps. Wear something you wouldn't normally wear, around the house at first. Then work your way to out in public. Someday you will be able to wear those bright red pumps to the office!!! And feel great in them! We tend to pick out what we see as flaws and concentrate on them. When I firrst starting seeing a therapist years ago he had me look at myself and name one thing a day I was happy with. Whether it was my eyes that day, or my outfit, etc. Slowly I could look at myself, see the flaws and the good. Now I do see the flaws and yeah on some days I can't stop looking but on others and I can shut my eyes to them and only see what other people see.
<3
Lisa,
I totally know what you mean.
I thought about replying to this something like, you should love yourself no matter what, blah blah blah because we are all beautiful and unique people and, besides, it's what is on the inside that matters!
But I know it's easy to know that cognitively and yet still not know it emotionally. We women really are slave to the iconic images of anorexic beauty everywhere.
Anyway, one thing that I've found that really helps me is being less critical of others: The less critical I am of people around me, the less critical I am of myself. This is a lesson in compassion for me as I haven't always been an accepting person. I used to be critical of people I thought were overweight, or ugly, or who dressed to show off their bodies too much. And you know, I still have thoughts in my head sometimes but I immediately follow them up with something like "yes, but they can't help the way they are, just as I couldn't if I was ___ (whatever)" or "you know, that's just where that person is at with expressing themselves how they dress..." But for now, I let it be.
Anyway, that is the only trick I have up my sleeve. :)
Good luck learning to love how you look!
laura/catboogie
ps - I really enjoy reading your blog; I appreciate your honesty and the variety of things you talk about.
Thanks Amy and Laura!!!
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